By Douglas O'Rourke - Absurd Press Writer
WASHINGTON, Nov 7, 2004 (AbsurdPress.com) -- What started Wednesday as a trickle of highly nervous patients wandering into free clinics has become by this weekend a major national public health crisis as thousands of listless, confused adults flooded emergency rooms across the country complaining of nausea, vomiting, insomnia, hopelessness, depression, and deep suicidal thoughts, muttering, "but the blogs, the blogs..."
The newly discovered illness has been quickly designated 'Post Traumatic Bush Disorder' (PTBD) by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta. "It's amazingly spread by even a brief exposure to news media," says Dr. Judithe Kranz, Deputy Director. "This is our first media-borne infectious outbreak, and we're working hard to contain it. So far, PTBD occurs only in Liberals with exposure to the voting process." Officials say a meaningful vaccine is probably at least four years away.
"We had fifty stagger here on Wednesday. By Friday, there were thousands lined up around the block," says Dr. Harold L. Marx, at Saint Elizabeth's Hospital ER on Martin Luther King, Jr. Avenue. Marx continued, "There's no treatment. All we can do is make them comfortable...so much suffering."
Last week, Mara Kurland, 22, was a college senior and honors poli-sci major. Now she doubts she'll finish school, have kids, or ever watch 'The Daily Show' again without crying out loud.
The popular co-ed attempted suicide early Wednesday by trying to eat 38 untouched pizzas from a Kerry victory party. "What's it all for, anyhow? Is everybody nuts?" she whispered from her Saint Elizabeth's hospital bed.
PTBD victims often sob delusionally about human rights, broken dreams, deficits, working poor, environment, big oil, and America's lost soul.
Republicans are apparently unaffected.
On Sunday, Fox News ran an exclusive interview with Secretary of Liberal Affairs Ron Silver who said, "The so called 'Blue State Flu' is just Elite Media hysteria in the wake of a clear mandate. A little chicken soup and they'll all be ready to join the war effort."
PTBD is not to be confused with ‘Lewinsky Syndrome' which earlier caused millions to fondly collect and watch videos of Clinton-era news programs. "As compulsions go, it's a pretty strong one," said psychiatrist Milton R. Egalt, who treats many recovering Liberals at his busy Rockville practice. "They so long for a peaceful time bright with hope." CDC findings place Lewinsky sufferers at very high risk for PTBD.
Meanwhile, Karl Rove, master planner of the stunning Republican victory was candid, "Just a few losers who won't accept the will of God and the honest votes of Real Americans. Get over it or move to France."
He then repeated his healing call for national unity.
When asked if the surprise pre-election Bush endorsement by Jesus Christ helped the GOP cause, Rove smiled,"Jesus and I met as interns on the 1972 Nixon campaign, and we stayed in touch. He was kind enough to do the video amid his busy schedule. A real Pro!"
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original political satire
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original political satire
www.AbsurdPress.com "breaking news as it happens"
notnews@AbsurdPress.com
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