Now that President Bush has won re-election and the Republican Party controls everything in the country up to and including photosynthesis, some disgruntled Democrats are wondering if life might be better north of the border.
So the working title for today's essay will be:
Moving to Canada: Big Mistake or Bad Idea?
The first thing I learned in my research is that Canada, as a country or colony or appendage or whatever the heck it is, is not exactly jumping up and down with glee at the prospect of 56 million glum Kerry supporters shuffling morosely across its border. (The lines at Starbucks are apparently too long already.)
Canadian officials have said that any Americans so fed up with Bush that they would actually consider moving to a place where hockey is the national sport should be prepared to stand in line like any other would-be immigrants -- a wait that could take up to a year.
"They'll join the crowd like all the other people who want to come to Canada," said Immigration Minister Judy Sgro when asked if Americans would get special treatment because they are, well, let's face it ... Americans.
This is not an encouraging sign. The fact that the Canadian government would not be excited about, let alone give special treatment to, 56 million sullen coffee snobs with no jobs or health insurance tells me that it would probably also not be excited later when we tear down all their hockey rinks and replace them with Internet cafes.
Another drawback to moving to Canada is the language barrier. Canadians talk incessantly about a boot, as in, "I'll be there to watch hockey at a boot 7." Immigrant Americans would squander much of their first year in Canada trying to comprehend the national fascination with high-topped waterproof footwear, a dispiriting prospect at best.
(On the other hand, I suspect that transplanted Americans would have little difficulty getting accustomed to the repetitive use of "eh," as in: "Let's go out for pizza, eh, and beer." "Eh" is nothing more than a slightly shorter version of the common American syllable, "huh.")
Food might present another problem for expatriated Americans. An example of Canadian haute cuisine is poutine, a combination of French fries, barbecue sauce and cheese curds, sometimes referred to by connoisseurs as "heart attack in a bowl."
On the other hand, the hot new food-like product just out in the United States (and just in time for Thanksgiving) is Turkey and Gravy soda and Green Bean Casserole soda. (Be sure to save room for the Fruitcake Soda.)
If you're having trouble deciding, be advised that the sodas are all calorie- and carb-free, something that cannot be said of the poutine.
Canadian music, or, more accurately, music by Canadians, also might take some getting used to. A quick survey of musical groups with Canadian roots uncovered these lyrics:
"When she was three
Her Barbies always did it on the first date."
-- "Life in a Nutshell" (Barenaked Ladies)
"I've never seen your breath before
But I'm disgusted by the thought of it."
-- "Big Dumb Rocket" (Our Lady Peace)
"My software is not
Compatible with you."
-- "Without Rings" (Neil Young)
Finally, Americans will have to come to terms with the fact that they are moving from a country that is a superpower to a country that is, well, not.
Here is how the two countries match up in several key areas:
Armed Forces budget: U.S. -- $267,700,000,000; Canada -- $7,861,000,000
Best ground weapon: U.S.-- M-1 Abrams tank; Canada -- Mounties
Military hero: U.S. -- Gen. Douglas MacArthur; Canada -- Dudley Do-Right
Secret Weapon: U.S. -- Stealth technology; Canada -- Rabid beavers
So, it's my opinion that Americans should think twice before moving to Canada. It's cold, the food is weird and rumor has it that there are people there who are almost indistinguishable from the French.
And, besides, you don't want to miss out on all the fun. Because in the United States, there's always another election just around the corner.
David Grimes is a columnist for the Herald-Tribune in Sarasota, Fla. Contact him at david.grimes@heraldtribune.com. The Herald-Tribune is a member of the New York Times Regional Newspapers.
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