By Barbara Moran and Brian Collins
November 3, 2004
It gives me great happiness to unveil our plans for the liberation of Blue
America. For the past three years, we have, in conjunction with a handful
of MIT engineers, been constructing a giant, cordless circular saw, which is
now complete. With this saw, we plan to carve our thriving, prosperous
eastern Blue nation away from the spreading infection of red america. We
will then set a mighty sail, which will carry us around the tip of South
America and allow us to join our Blue compadres on the West Coast. We
will use our giant saw to free our friends, then join our two lands together
and sail to a designated point in the Pacific Ocean. There, we will
establish our new country: Blue America.
Blue America will be founded on the same ideals as the former United States
of America. These ideals, sadly, have been decimated by the same red plague
that scrambled the brains of so many of our unfortunate former
fellow-citizens. These ideals include:
- - The Separation of Church and State
- - Freedom of Speech
- - Freedom of Assembly and Protest
- - Equal rights for all and due process under the Constitution
Blue America will have many additional aspirations not shared by red
- - The goal of giving every citizen high quality education and health care
(even prescription drugs!), regardless of their race, ethnic background or
- - The right to a satisfying career with fair pay, job security and an
- - Respect for other cultures and honesty in our dealings with other
- - The right to worship the deity of your choice (or not)
- - Family values, meaning the right of anyone to form a family if they wish
- - Compassion for the poor and sick
- - Belief in the value of: fresh food, recycling, renewable energy,
independent bookstores and movie theatres, literacy, the free exchange of ideas,
clean air, clean
water, sushi, Julia Child cookbooks, Scrabble, humor, honesty, exercise,
art, poetry, community gardens, mass transit, local cheese, the scientific
process, the theory of Evolution, national parks, bicycles, music,
sidewalks, trees, books, family farms, locally-owned diners with revolving
pie cabinets, and decent coffee.
Membership in Blue America will be limited to residents of states that voted
"blue" in the 2004 election, with the following exceptions:
1. Red "carriers" (or "vectors") who are currently living in Blue America
are kindly asked to leave before the liberation.
2. Members of certain Blue outposts in red america (like Austin, Texas) will
be allowed to apply for Blue America citizenship.
3. Members of Blue outposts in Ohio (Oberlin) will also be allowed to apply
for citizenship. However, if accepted they must accept a one-year
probationary period. Similarly, members of Blue outposts in Florida (South
Beach) will also be allowed to apply, but must accept a two-year
4. Members of the Bush family are excluded for life, as are members of the
Bush cabinet and all Fox News anchors, and Kid Rock. (Sorry, Colin Powell,
but you had your chance.)
The first official sports team of Blue America will be the Boston Red Sox
(hereby re-named the Boston Blue Sox). However, red propagandist Curt
Schilling will be cut from the Sox and banished to the worst team in
baseball. Also, we'll take Derek Jeter, if he's interested.
Engineers have already begun separating northern Maine from the continent.
We plan to be fully liberated and set sail on Blue Inauguration day, January
Bring on the saw!
BRING 'EM ON
Blue America Charter