Ohio Is the New Black #
About those exits: We're starting to get this weird feeling that the birdies who gave us those delicious early numbers are really Karl Rove. Or Ashton Kutcher. And while we usually are of the opinion that we like the sort of "punking" that's found in prison movies, we are not enjoying the prospect of getting reamed for another four years.
It's not that we really, really believe we got played. We are just, ahem, covering our ass.
White House Race Coming Down to Fla., Ohio [AP/Yahoo]
Wonkette Answers: No News At The Inn #
More reader mail:
Parked in front of my digital cable. I see the countdowns, the estimated electoral votes, the giant map of red and blue states painted on the ice of Rockefeller Center. I'm on my second gin and tonic already...I think my limit is 8, but may exceed this. When will the ball drop? When will the referees call an end to extra innings? Oh, Wonkette--when will I be free?
So glad you asked. I am in a similar situation, trapped in under the skating rink-cum-electoral map in a sort of faux Le Courbusier living room set which probably cost thousands of dollars and won't be seen again. (Imagine the votes that could have bought!) They will not let me leave. I am missing the Daily Show special and the producer laughed when I asked for a beer.
I arrived at 1:30PM. You could smell the democracy in the air. Like springtime but politics. And, underneath, the faint scent of horse manure.
Since then, we have been on TV twice, for a total of about six minutes. I have also eaten dinner twice. I have posted some and spent a long time examining Joe Trippi's plaid jacket. The gentleman on our left can be relied on to announce returns at, oh, 30 second intervals. (It's kind of like listening to the World News Service, only with a Minnesota accent.)
In short: I am sitting in the middle of a world-wide news organization's headquarters, and there is no news.
I Am Still in Office and You Have to Do What I Say #
Uhm, yeah, we just saw that "unprecedented" press availability.
Shorter Bush statement: You can pry this presidency out of my cold, dead hands.
'Very upbeat' Bush predicts victory [AFP/Yahoo]
Birdie Croaking: Florida Takes On Reddish Hue #
Hoarse birdies say:
Not 50/50 in Florida. White House very confident.
Birdies Slightly Intoxicated, Still Chirping #
The birdies report, early returns:
PA and Ohio margins widening for Kerry
You do the math. (Okay, we'll do some math: Bush can lose Ohio and still win if he picks up a 2000 blue state.)
Virginia: Not That Mysterious After All #
Fox News finally called Virginia for Bush. ORDER RESTORED TO UNIVERSE. But we're definitely enjoying Fox News. Greta van Susteren threw a shit fit about getting contradictory info in her earpiece, and we found out why Brit Hume looks like he's covering a funeral: As Susan Estrich just said, "Either the exit polls are completely wrong or President Bush will lose the election." We don't know what's happening over there, but we have a word of advice: Stay away from the brown acid.
Maybe we didn't hallucinate those exit polls after all?
Vanessa Kerry: Not That Thirsty #
8:55 p.m. We might be hearing voices, but we think Tom Brokaw just asked Vanessa Kerry if she'd be sharing a margarita with the Bush girls when this was over. Wow, this election just got sexy. Then Vanessa said she was going back to medical school. We say: Classic non-denial denial.
Polling For Victory: Is This Election Thing Still On? #
If we pass out soon, can we pretend it's 5PM all day long? Oh, those were the days... Happy hour had just started, Kerry was going to be president, Jon Stewart was unzipping our skirt.
Oh, wait. Uhm. Are we already passed out? So hard to tell.
We should challenge the kids over at the Comedy Central blog to a drinking contest. We could so totally take them. It's not like we have much else to do for the next ten minutes.
Exit Poll Breakdown [CNN]
Mom Wonkette Sends In Some Exits #
Evidently everyone gets exit polls now:
I'm forwarding you these numbers someone sent me. I think they have something to do with the election!
Mr. Drudge says I shouldn't pay attention to them, and these other folks say they're bad because you might make the nice people on TV follow your lead. YOU ALREADY CRASHED THE STOCK MARKET -- ISN'T THAT ENOUGH DAMAGE FOR ONE DAY? Anyhow, I really think we can call Ohio for Kerry.
PS, If you ever want to talk about your drinking, I'm here for you.
Virginia: The Mystery State #
7:30 p.m. OK, it's not 2000: It's weirder. Virginia is too close to call. Kerry pulled out of there last month; it shouldn't have just gone Bush, it should have been wearing a cowboy hat and shooting guns off. Like, we're pretty sure that slavery is still legal there. Did they really stop watching NASCAR long enough to vote?
[UPDATE from Virginia: "no NASCAR races on Tuesday. Not even qualifying or (ahem) 'Happy Hour.' And I suppose whatever was on Speed Channel today was boring, or fancy Euro Indy cars with French drivers." Now you know.]
Gossip Roundup: There Is Other News Out There, Sorta
• Reliable Source: Director, Rock the Vote: "Nobody wants to throw a party for a bunch of losers.". . . Turn your "Kerry Edwards/A Stronger America/JohnKerry.com" bumper sticker into "darK dry sEwer/Error Gets a Maniac/hornyJerK.com." [WP]
• The Scoop: Kitty Kelley writes to Sharon Bush: "[A]llow me to remind you that it was your intention to leak our lunch to The New York Observer so that you could 'pressure' the Bushes into giving you a better alimony settlement because you knew they did not want you speaking to me." [MSNBC]
• Page Six: Wentworth, Stephanopoulos expecting their second child. [NYP]
• Cindy Adams: on the advance tour of the Clinton library. [NYP]
Election Recycling: Hungover and Anti-Gay Edition
• Down to Ohio: 250,000 or so provisional ballots. Fox News breaks Ohio for Bush at 12:41. Russert: "Bush has two or three paths to 270, John Kerry has one, and it goes through Ohio." McCurry: "At the end of the day, we win. I'm not sure what day, but we win." Tucker: "Somebody should reassess exit polling... It's useless." [WP, WP, NYT, NYT, NYT, USAT]
• Same-sex marriage bans win in all 11 states. [WP, NYT, USAT]
• Battle of the bases: A night of few surprises. Scholar: "One bit of conventional wisdom was that high turnout would benefit the Democrats. Republicans may do it differently, but they proved they can produce high turnout, too." [WP, WP]
• Edwards spoke after "reports of pandemonium" inside the Kerry camp: "optimism gave way to a bunker-like isolation as the night dragged on"; Bush photo-op called after "cataclysmic" images from the day. [WP, WP, WP, USAT, USAT]
• Bush achieves mandate, takes Florida. [NYT, NYT]
• McAuliffe at 8 p.m.: "This is the best election night in history." [WP]
• Kerry: "I cannot tell you how excited I am to sleep in my own bed." [NYT]
• At the GOP party: "Look! Look! There's a couple making out. Making out! In full view of the TV cameras. Two men behind a pole are holding hands, praying, Promise Keepers style." [WP]
• Original strategy paid off for Bush. [BG]
• Concession a challenge, likely written by Shrum. [WSJ]
• Shales: "Had [the anchors] taken Valium, or were they somehow doling it out through the airwaves and cables that bring TV into the homes and bars of the nation? The night was sure full of numbing inspirations." [WP]
• Florida Republicans: "What made the difference? Two words: Ground game. We had 109,000 volunteers throughout the state. In 2000, we made 77,000 personal contacts. In the last four days, we made 1.7 million." [USAT]
• Irrational exuberance: exit polls blinked. [BG, USAT, WSJ, LAT, LAT]
• Alexandra Kerry, earlier in the evening: "I feel confident, but I'm feeling nauseous too. That's just me." [BG]
• Nader didn't spoil. [WP, NYT, USAT]
• Colorado: Winner-take-all remains. [NYT]
• California: Stem-cell funds approved. [SFC]
• Montana: Medical Marijuana approved. [LAT]
• African-Americans turn out for Kerry. [NYT]
• Eyes on Hillary. [BG]
• NBC's Democracy Plaza cost $5m. [USAT]
Wonkette Answers: Our Plans
So will you be going to sleep tonight, or just partying on until dawn?
Oh, we're going to start drinking in earnest in about five minutes, and after the bar closes we will empty the contents of our mini-bar into a pillowcase and suck on it until we fall into a dreamless sleep. This is pretty much the opposite of partying.
Post-election? Our first plan is to go see that movie where Nic Cage says "This dollar bill is trying to tell me something." We think it's a Bush bio pic.
And Then He Ate the Campaign with Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti
Perhaps in response to our previous post, in which the Kerry campaign was described as "sober," we received this missive (swear to god from Kerryperson):
ke04 war room says two things
-- make the lambs stop crying
Of course, Fox just called Ohio, so, uhm, maybe the lambs will stop crying, at least.
· Wonkette Answers: Where and How To Drink
· Wonkette Answers: Voting Gets You Some -- But Only Some
· Wonkette Answers: Demo-crazy Plaza, You Mean!
· WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE!!! AL GORE TO ANNOUNCE ACQUISITION OF CABLE NEWS NETWORK
· WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE! THE WOMAN JOHN KERRY'S NOT FUCKING
· KERRY JOCKSTRAP SIZE REVEALED!!! WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE!!!
· WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE!! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE!!! KE04 Power Structure: REVEALED!
· WONKETTE WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE!! EDWARDS VEEP RUN FINDS STARTING POINT!
· WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE!!! JOHNNY APPLE AND JACK GERMOND ON COVER OF NYT MAGAZINE!!!
· WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE!!! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE!! AD NAGS SPEAKS! ADAM NAGOURNEY GOES ON THE RECORD ABOUT HIS BLOG!!
· WONKETTE EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE! Edwards Will Not Drop Out. . . Tonight
Frank Bruni, Better Than Ad Nags #
Frank Bruni blogs election night, cataloging Ratherisms ("If you try to read the tea leaves before the cup is done, you can get yourself burned") and proving liberal media bias rampant!
If there is a God, and He or She or It is kind, Kerry will win, because no benevolent deity would deny reporters and readers the pleasure of chronicling and following Teresa Heinz Kerry as First Lady.
Of course, a just God would also keep them out of Ohio in December. Then again, they are journalists and deserve to be punished. . .
Rune Stones and Tea Leaves [NYT]
The Mood at the Kerry Campaign, Using the Berry-Barometer #
Sent: Tue Nov 02 5:22:10 2004
You are so getting laid tonight.
"Swims in the libidinal current of American politics." [Village Voice]
"Profanity-laced and sex-obsessed...[a] vain, young, trash-mouthed skank." [Michelle Malkin]
"Gossipy, raunchy, potty-mouthed." [New York Times]
"It’s like having a drunken, sometimes vicious gossip session… without the hangover." [Electric Venom]
"A foulmouthed, inaccurate, opinionated little vixen." [Richard Leiby]
"Plying gossip above all, eschewing serious debates about politics and policy." [The Nation]
"The newest, funnest blogger on the block" [Andrew Sullivan]
"Wonkette's arrival on the steps of the Capitol is a quiet victory for creeping National Enquirer values." [Christian Science Monitor]
"[H]er enthusiasm for penis jokes cannot be as great as her blog suggests"
"A pre-menopausal Lucianne Goldberg"
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